Clear! Clear! I've got a pulse!

It's been a while. I could talk about why I've been AWOL for so long, but that's a rather dull story, and I doubt the two of you who read my blog want to hear about yet another dirigible escape.

I should probably tell you a little about myself since it's been so long since my last post. Kirsten and I are still in Cambridge. I still work for the University, and the Cambridge University Development Office. I'm still on the Database Team. So really, not much has changed.

I turned 30 not to long ago. People will tell you that 30's just a number. They'll also say that clowns aren't scary, and that they don't watch porn cause it's "silly". In other words, they're full of shit. 30 hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel different. Parts of me are starting to creak. Pwning bitches is a lot harder now. I'm starting to think how the kids today are out of control.

And your loved ones... well that's all changed too:

Typical phone call as a 20 something from loved ones: "Hi Kevin! I'm calling to tell you that you are super duper and not at all disappointing to me in the slightest!"

Typical phone call when you are 30 more like: "BABIES! Where are the FUCKING BABIES? This shit's not even funny anymore! What are you?!? Sterile!?!? IMPOTENT!!?! RAHHAGGHAHAG!"

Sadly, the only advice I can give you is something my father in law told me. "Kevin" he said, "Don't get old". And of course, I was too young and foolish to follow his advice.

PSA, anime style.

Okie.

I'm back in Cambridge, and I have the interweb again. All is well.

Now, my boy Cibunanoniny has kindly posted a Public Service Announcement (or PSA), about how to fight off zombies. Useful stuff. And not one of you fuckers had the kindness to thank him. But so it goes. Heroes are rarely recognised in their time.

So even though Cibunoanoa has mightily presented his digital nipple of knowledge, and you have collectively sucked it dry, I still feel the need to step forward. Yes, I am here to add to your survivalist knowledge - on how to survive, in an anime. (Not in a amine. If you are stuck in an amine, you are royally fucked.)

The wife and I have seen a lot of anime. Kirsten has seen a large number of series, and I've seen a few too. Some of the ones I've watched have had like no pr0n what-so-ever. Really. But I digress. Here is your 10 point plan to surviving in the anime world.

1. Don't fuck with orphans. They be nasty. On a side note, if your parents die while in an anime, it'll be sad. But you'll get some really cool powers in the end.

2. Giant robots. Nasty as hell, but for some reason they can only be piloted by angst riddled teenagers.

3. The really hot but emotionally distant person who is "showing you the ropes" will hit on you. You have been forewarned. Intercourse may be your only option.

4. The big movers and shakers of the world will be teenagers. 15 is the key age. 18 if they are a veteran of several wars. Bring in the orphan factor and they are scary.

5. If you go to school, it will be attacked. Constantly. One of your teachers is probably helping out. Fuckers.

6. Bringing large over sized weaponry to school is accepted, and even encouraged. Kissing a classmate of the opposite sex will cause a great scandal, however.

7. Talking cats. Cats talk. And they know fucking everything.

8. Women with large breasts are important characters. Pay attention.

9. Scream. A lot. When fighting, running, talking or doing your homework. It's important that you fit in.

10. No matter how Japanese people are, there's always a blonde girl. And a redhead. They will be important. Doubly so if #8 applies. Or if they they are orphans. Intercourse may be your only option.

Now listen. I don't expect much praise for this. It comforts me to know that when the time comes, you'll all be thanking my ass off. It's enough to call me Heroic right now. Or Hero Beav. or Beavero. Go with what comes naturally to you.

Thank you, and be safe.

It's been crazy..

But I think the wife and I have everything sorted. Moving out. Moving in. Jobs. Money. Causing woe to our enemies.

That's neither here nor there. This is just a quick post to let the blogosphere, nay, the world know that we will be back in Canada for 3 weeks staring Tuesday July 24. It has something with Visas, and not getting deported from England. Or being jailed and beaten.

PS sorry about using the word blogosphere.

On getting old...er

As time seems ever so quickly fly by, I'm starting to notice my own age. Yes I know. I'm only 28 years old. I don't know old. Heck, if you are middle aged and reading this, you are probably thinking that this whipper-snapper doesn't know the first thing about old.

And yet, even I notice a grey hair or three, a dodgy knee, and less and less energy. I see all the new students around college; they look like babies to me. And I still likely have a good half century to go before I'm destined for my good long dirt nap.

So why am I complaining? Fuck, who’s complaining?

I can't wait to get old. I'm seeing a lot of upsides, and not a lot of downsides.

Kevin's not exhaustive list of future old man powers:

1: The ability to sleep anywhere.

Man, I'm waiting for this one. I have trouble getting to sleep sometimes as is, but the ability to just sit down and fall asleep? Fantastic. I'm going to try to hone this skill so that when the time comes, I can fall asleep mid-conversation or mid bad-movie. The best part is no one will be able to get pissy with me about it. I'll be old!

2: Forgetting shit.

Hell, I don't know why this is the exclusive domain of the elderly. I forget shit all the time. Keys, Wallets, what country I'm in, what side of the road cars come from, etc. If I'm wearing pants, it's a good day, people. But once I'm in old man mode, watch out. I'll still forget shit, but there won't be anything people will be able to do about it. I'll just say "Oops, senior moment", and with a casual wave of my hand, absolve myself of any responsibility, and you'll still have an image of my withered old junk burned into your mind.

3: Wisdom.

I don't have it now, and I don't think I'll have it then. But everyone will think I do. Yup, I'll sit around, tell some story about me that likely never happened, and say "Think about it". And you'll nod your head, and think I said something profound. But in reality I won't know what I said, who you are, or what the hell I'm doing there.

4: Old man emails.
Like 32 point bold ARIAL with hot pink?
Well, you'd better learn to love it. I can't read anything else, and everything I'm sending out has it. Yup, I'll use emails too. Not that mind-mail crap or whatever you future lamerz will use. I'll alternate between crazy far-right and far-left political views and contradict myself constantly. And I'll fire off those sappy emails about "what you can learn from your dog" and the like. And you get lots and lots of em’ because...

5: Retirement.

Do I really need to say anymore? I won’t be working! Of course, my work will have been better than anything these young punks can do nowadays. Back in my day, we had to do shit with a stupid computer I tells ya! We worked for a living! Not like nowadays, where the cyborg aliens and the hover-bots do everything for us.

Well, I think it’s safe to say the future looks bright. Unless of course, there’s some kind of apocalypse, which would be kind of lame.

Of course, given that Kirsten and I both have jobs in Cambridge lined up and are both likely to be here for a while, “Bright” maybe slightly off. “Cloudy” is perhaps more like it.

I shall leave you to your knitting then.

PS: Ahh, Grampa Simpson. I couldn't have said it better. My favorite:

Brockman: "Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf." Grampa: "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"

Lame shit I've been up to

I'm been watching a lot of anime lately. This is not the same as watching amines. They are totally different.

My new favorite has to be Full Metal Alchemist.

It's a rather popular anime series, and with good reason. It's 51 episodes long, and they are fucking awesome.

The two main characters are the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse, who both practice something called "Alchemy". It's basically the ability to transmute matter into other things, and is seen as the "science" of this world.

The story beings with Edward and Alphonse (or Al, for short), basically messing around with Alchemy in a way they really really shouldn't have. It costs Ed his leg and arm, and Al his entire body; he is forced to exist henceforth as an empty suit of armor.

Anyway, I could talk about the many themes (It's a Square-Enix production, so don't expect war and religion to get off lightly), the cool characters, the battle scenes and the humorous elements, but you should just go see it for yourself.

*cough* *cough* Dailymotion *cough*

Oh, and watch the Subbed version. Voice acting in this case is best left to the Japanese. Actually, a lot of things are best left to the Japanese. But that's a discussion for another day.

You find a place to feed your greed, and I'll find a place to rest.

Things to do when you are flat on your back. The PG version

I thought I was going to dodge this flu that everyone else had. I really really did. Everyone else got it, and yet I somehow seemed immune. This surprised me, for Constitution has always been my dump stat. I figured that since I manage to catch every cold and flu their is, was or ever will be, perhaps my immune system finally figured it out. No matter how nice the disease is dressed, or how much it sweet talks you, or how many flowers it has, you shouldn't let it in. Alas no. Stupid body.

The funny thing was, I knew right when I got this flu what the symptoms would be. I'd seen everyone else get it, so I knew I was fucked from the get go. So I did what everyone does when they know they are going to be sick for a while. I ordered a DS game. No sense being immobile and bored.

I've had an eye on Puzzle Quest for a while now. It seemed like a bit of an odd duck. I mean, sure, you have the character generation, the item generation, turn based combat, and the generic story. Pretty standard RPG stuff, right? But Puzzle Quest breaks the standard RPG mould in an interesting way. Everything you do: combat, item creation, training mounts, capturing monsters and such is done with a Bejeweled grid.

Wait a minute, you haven't heard of Bejeweled?

Go get the wooden object you no doubt used for my last post. Smack yourself again.

For the record. I don't enjoy doing this to you.

Anyway, this game could have gone wrong in so many ways. But it works. It's fun. The presentation for the DS isn't great, and the story's a bit meh, and it's fucking hard sometimes, but it's still a lot of fun. So if you looking for an RPG that's a bit different, give it a shot. It's out for DS, PSP and soon for the PC. And there's even a demo.

And if you are having trouble getting it, just order online. No need to kill anyone.

Loathing

Yes, I know I have posted about it before, but everyone needs to play Kingdom of Loathing. It's a silly, fun, online RPG that's surprisingly challenging. It's also more than a bit Canadian. Which doesn't hurt. Just stay away from the goofballs.

I've also been playing a little game called: UFO Afterlight. It's a spiritual sequel to the much beloved and fucking awesome X:Com. Now, if you don't know what X:Com is, or was, stop reading right now. Go get something big and wooden, and smack yourself with it. Hurts, doesn't it? Well, that's what you get. Geez. Double whammy for not stopping when I told you.

For the rest of us, I assume that we are all looking for something to fill that void. Messed up aliens. Disposable soldiers. Base building. Dark corners. Hover tanks.

Thus, you should ask: is Afterlight it?

Well, almost.

It's torturous, because while Afterlight is a good game, and gets close to scratching the X:Com itch, it just isn't there. It's painful at times, because you know that with a bit more love, you'd be playing it for hours on end in your underoos. But as it is, Afterlight is simply good.

So maybe give the demo a try, and let me know what you think. But man, isn't it about fucking time that someone steps up and make the X:Com game that we all want to play? Isn't it!?

Other than that, I've been very lame. Thank you and good night.